Important Safety Instructions

Follow these Guidelines for the Safe Use and Handling of Strange Gruel

PLEASE READ CAREFULLY:

• Always wear the proper eye protection (gloves are optional).
• To ensure the most enjoyable reading experience always operate in the ‘ON’ position, start at the front cover and turn pages until you arrive at the back.
• To preserve the life of your books, close when not reading and leave in the ‘OFF’ position.
• Keep away from small, hungry children. Despite our name, these books are NOT edible.
• Do NOT read while driving, or when operating heavy machinery, such as: industrial excavating equipment, oil tankers, nuclear submarines, or a Large Hadron Collider.
• Do NOT disassemble, disembowel, or perform an exorcism on your books without professional assistance.
• Do NOT read outdoors in rainy conditions, underwater, on the edge of an active volcano, or near the Nicetown-Tioga area of Philadelphia.
• Do NOT read while performing complex surgical procedures, or during bomb defusing operations.
• Avoid reading if you are not a sentient life-form or if you have recently arrived from another solar system.
• We highly recommend that readers are up-to-date on all of their immunizations and vaccines.
• Dispose of properly in a normal trash receptacle.
• Do NOT burn. Do NOT force down a garbage disposal. Do NOT flush down a toilet (no matter how tempting this might be).
• Use only for the designed purpose. Do NOT use as a cooking pot trivet, a birdcage liner, or a chair leg leveler, etc.
• To avoid the risk of damage always store your books on a bookshelf, or in a dry, dust-free environment, such as a coffin.

COMMON SIDE EFFECTS: Increased heart rate, shortness of breath, mild eye irritation, sweaty palms, upset stomach, nausea, dizziness, and dry mouth. Do not be alarmed, these are normal reactions.

HOWEVER: If these symptoms persist, or if you experience one or more of the following: severe twitching, muscle spasms, rapid hair growth on the back of your hands, speaking in tongues, a sudden craving for raw meat, or an uncontrollable urge to bark at the moon—then consult a medical professional, a licensed witchdoctor, a tribal shaman, or a spiritual specialist, immediately!

OPTIONAL: Although we DO NOT endorse it, this Folk Remedy (click on image), is reputed to be beneficial in certain rare cases…

Note: This “Remedy” only works if you have already purchased a copy of Strange Gruel.

As an alternative, (if performing this remedy gives you the creeps), simply buy a copy of Strange Gruel and donate it to your local library, instead.